Big changes

This weekend my partner of almost 9 years broke up with me.  We'd been friends for longer than we had been lovers so I'm holding onto that.

I can't say, honestly, that I didn't see it coming.  The past few months especially had been very strained.  Even before that things hadn't been great.  We had been sharing a dinky studio apartment for the past couple years.  It's all we could afford.  You want to strain even the best relationship?  Cram two adults into a tiny space with little to no privacy. 

She moved back in with her parents in November.  She told me it was necessary or that she might rage-quit the relationship.

I accepted that, the relationship being the important thing, not where we were each living.  Even then things were strained.  I had thought things were going to be more like when we had been dating before living together.  Sure it was optimistic but I had been given reason to think that way.  But no.

Texts went unanswered for days.  She's not really a texting/smartphone kind of person, that's fine.  Give her the space she needs.  In person, any time I asked her if she wanted to get together the best I could get was 'maybe'.  Then I'd have to follow up on it.  That got pretty old pretty fast.

Then this past Sunday we got together I thought to 'talk about our goals and how to meet them'.  That was my idea anyway.  Turns out I wasn't far off the mark.  Just that it wasn't going to be 'us' moving forward anymore.

I'm not here to vilify anybody.  She has legitimate issues that she needs to work out and she believes she can't do that while she's in a relationship and that those issues prevent her from being the partner I want her to be.

It's not all acceptance and understanding over here though.  This whole situation was played out over the past six or more months.  That is the part that really hurts the most.  Our relationship was falling apart but only one of us really knew what was going on.  She wasn't going to bring anything up because it might hurt me.  So to spare my feelings she secretly prepared to make sure her share of the rent was taken care of before telling me she was moving out.  She had been expecting to have the breakup talk with me a couple weeks ago, but I was having work stress and she didn't want to dump it on me then.  By 'sparing my feelings' she managed to cut the knife just a little deeper.